Look back on my 2009....

I'm doing this a little early. Next week, 2010 begins and all of 2009 ends. 2009 for me was long. This year has been very long and full of mountains and plains. I say that because I made a lot of decisions. Some for good and I know now that some were bad. I learned a lot about myself and my mind. I've learned about the complexities of love, passion, friendship and pain. This year has truly been full of self-evaluation and reflection. I've noticed that I've been looking at myself from outside. Asking myself why did I do that or this? Did I do that? Do I really like this or that? Am I ready for this? Why didn't I and why do I continue to do this? 2009 has been all about questions. A lot of sighs and reliefs. 2009 was very helpful for me but also somewhat fearful. I guess I feel like this year is preparing me for a lot more things. Good and bad. I lost my job this year but plan on getting married in 2011. I'm actively trying to lose weight but also feel like I'm losing my mind at times. I joined a spoken word group and writing more poetry which I did plan on doing. My poetry has been definitely helping me and meeting new people is always a great thing. I've found people from my past and very happy about that. I'm going to be 27 in a few days and actually feel like I've caught up with my age. Before, I would always feel like I was behind. I was always the youngest of everything. I didn't look my age or hung out with people my age. Now I feel like I am 26, going on 27. In 2010, I will no longer the Bag Lady. Everything I learned this year will applied to 2010.

Ima a diva, Ima a diva, Ima a diva

So I went to the gym this morning around 10. Usually in the morning, the majority of the people are elderly or stay at home moms. This time, there were enough of that but also a group of women that looked like they could auditioned for Sex in the City or Desperate Housewives. I saw them from downstairs and put on my earphones. I looked down at my playlist and instantly thought, "Why not start with Beyonce this morning?" So I head upstairs and I see those women standing near the equipment I usually use; giggling and pointing at each other's body parts. I don't know why they were but oh well. I turn the music and some how start walking to the beat. Body was swaying and strutting. I promise I don't do this on purpose. Depending on the song, I end up doing that. As the beat gets harder, (I'm sure you have but if you haven't, here is Diva by Beyonce http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNM5HW13_O8 ) I make eye contact with everyone I walked past. It was almost like a video or something. I strut a little closer the group of women and they all suddenly stop talking and look at me. I am such a writer because that's when my imagination went from 1 to 10 in two seconds. I was no longer in a gym but a party and the woman of the hour had arrived. Not Beyonce but Cassandra and everyone just became speechless. I got on my machine and began revving it up. I was a diva at that moment. Not in the bad sense though (if there is a bad sense these days) but in the sense of confidence and security. I worked out hard and smiled doing it. I felt good. I felt strong. I felt proud. I guess working out is starting to work now. Not necessarily on the outside yet because it hasn't been long enough. It has helped the inner self image that I carry with me on a daily. Have I lost weight yet? I don't know because I still haven't been on a scale. I am, however, starting to slowly lose the insecue weight on my mind. 2010, I plan on making me a lot stronger than I am with each day.

Week #2--One big sigh

All I can say is that I hate shopping. I literally hate dressing rooms because they are small which makes me look wider. I hate the mirrors because I am convinced that they are distorted. I never really liked shopping anyway. I've always been good to find exactly what I want in 30 minutes or less and be out. Now I have try on everything and I usually get sizes too big so I can narrow it down exactly what I should be wearing. I refuse to be like that type of woman who wears that extra small shirt JUST BECAUSE I could some years ago. I can't see how people do that but that's another blog. But I am eating healthy now. Not enough meals according to my father but he's right. I've only been eating once day. Not on purpose. I'm just not hungry until later in the day and then after that, I'm good. But I do need to eat at least four times a day, throw a protein shake or a smoothie too. Now I know. You're looking at my title and it says "week two". I am asking for a lot just for week two but what can I say. I'm impatient. I'm working out twice a week but will probably change that to four times a week. Last night's workout was a killer. After five minutes of cardio, my legs were on fire...but I worked through it. I stuck with it. I'm going back to the gym tomorrow and then again on Monday. I would post my weight but I actually don't know it. Maybe I don't want to know. Right now I'm thinking a certain number and just sticking with that. One big sigh....

Thanksgiving....to me

Thanksgiving 2009 for me....Indianapolis weather has the typical cool breeze. Leaves are still on the ground and the smell of food is floating in the air. I'm at my father's house now and will be here probably for the remainder of the day. I'm going to watch some cable, use up some internet and eat until I can't take it no more. I have fond memories of Thanksgiving as a child. Helping my father peel potatoes, learning the right way to make mac and cheese from my mother, trying chitlins for the first time (very interesting!) and spending time with family. I never cared for the whole dinner with the Pilgrims and the Indians. Even as a kid, all that meant to me was the Pilgrims filled their stomachs up before the killing. That whole "happy go lucky" picture that they fed us in school was BS to me. Now at 26, I still feel the same. I celebrate families getting together. I know of some families that only meet during the holidays. Not everyone is close to their families so if this is a way to bring them together, I'm all for it. Now, along with quality time with family, I've been gaining knowledge too. I've been finding Native American quotes, proverbs and words of wisdom. One of my Twitter friends @ciciwryter said that there is more to eating. That we need to stay aware. I hope that people do make themselves aware of Native American history. Read about the beauty of their culture, their history, and their people. Don't just eat. Read. Research. Learn.

Check out http://www.legendsofamerica.com/NA-Proverbs.html for quotes and proverbs. Enjoy!

Back into it....(sigh!)

I went back to the gym today. It's been a year and a half and my original starting date was August 1st. Well, three months later and here I am. I found my old membership badge, a sports bra, some workout clothes and I was off. Thanks to my mother for getting me a IPOD Touch. Going to gym without music is horrible for me. If I can speed up or slow down to the tunes in my ears, insecurities begin to sink in and take over. My eyes begin to wander. To the left: This girl obviously doesn't need to be working out. She looks like Beyonce. She's just taking up space. Damn, why can't I look like that? To the right: I hope this man sweating profusely doesn't have a heart attack. Then of course when I look up as I have Janet Jackson blaring in my ear, the TVs has the Today show on and of course they are featuring favorite Thanksgiving recipes. I will admit that I have gone insane for choosing this weeks of all weeks to go back to the gym. How I see though is that this week is motivation. In fact the next couple of months is motivation for me along with harming images that I keep replaying in my head. I need to keep it up and stay motivated. Why? I am getting married (sarcastic Yayy!) and all I keep seeing is disaster in a dress and being upset. So it's time for me to work out, eat right, and do as much as I can before the big day. When is the big day? Not until April 9 2011 but still...2010 is just around the corner. Before I know it, I'll be hearing "Ma'am, can you suck in just a little bit more? We still need to squeeze in one more roll!" Oohhhhhh myyyyy goodnesss! I am not the one! Wish me luck folks.

Beauty within

My beauty has been caught in words & photos.

Behind bars, held hostage from me during my lows.

But now I've found the key and let it free.

Can you see me?

(c) Cassandra Daniels 2009

Blackness

I feel my blackness through my veins
from the tightness of those slavery chains
from the southern trees that grew strange fruit
that ripped at our souls that came straight from the root
I feel my blackness through the joy of freedom from Lincoln
but he didn't free us for the right reasons
he wanted us to rebuild a country that didn't love us so he gave us hope and released our chains
replaced then with laws
that made us feel drained
We couldn't choose our destinies
discover our identities but we still had to love this country
Marcus Garvey came on the scene
with his speeches and poems
of 'back to Africa' journeys
"find out the truth and you will be free"
but to many of us, hostages or not, this was all we knew and this is our truth
Now it's the 20s and Harlem is alive
with poetry and art that stimulates our minds
with dancing and singing
we're having a good time
we're holding our heads up and lifting our voices
loving each other and making our own choices
Times are hard but we will survive
This rebirth of black love kept us alive
I feel my blackness
through the beginning of Jim Crow
We're losing control of what we have
and it made us feel low
I feel my blackness
through the increasing
of lynchings and beatings
and misleadings
They're taking away our air before we can breathe it
blinding our eyes before we really can see it
closing our mouths and tearing our hearts where we couldn't say anything
or feel anything
It's now WWII
we're fighting on the front lines
we're making ourselves strong
imprinting our faces onto their minds
we should be welcomed with open arms
be respected with smiles and many praises
Times have changed and should be for the better
but even after all that, it's still stormy weather
Now we're thinking
"maybe they'll understand
we're all men and we've earned this right
we should be able to open our eyes when it's day and sleep well at night"
It's now the civil rights movement
Rosa Parks sat down
Dr. King stood up
Malcolm is making us feel our blackness
Black is black
a strength, not a weakness
Then we got the real right to vote and it rocked our boat
We've made it better for our kids and their kids
Right?
We closed our eyes and exhaled and said we finally did it
Then we lost Malcolm
Had we made it better
Next it was Martin
Was it really better?
We now have black pride
we've shot down all the lies
it's just me and you
We're black people
now we're beautiful
Malcolm and Martin have led the way
The Black Panthers are making us see better days
We're strong
we're tall
"I'm black and I'm proud"
was heard through the racial walls
I feel my blackness with every touch I lay
With every look from my eyes
With my talk and stride
Blackness is no longer a color but an attitude
It's who I am and now I hope
you feel my blackness.

(c) Cassandra Daniels